Another of my child hood friends has died. It's becoming a common occurrence, and we all knew it would, at our age. Roger died of brain cancer. From what I've been told, his family knew of it, but then, in about a week's time, he went blind and then died in hospice care.
Death makes you reflect. Death of a friend, a peer, makes you wonder what your number is. Death of a loved one makes you ask, "why?"
I wonder about this "faith" thing. Belief. (Half the time I can't remember how to spell that word.) It makes me almost laugh when someone says that if you don't have faith you are weak minded. I've had plenty of opportunities to prove my faith and belief, and done so. The thing is, I'm damn tired of being tested. The old argument arises, "I didn't ask to be here. I'm not perfect. Why does my faith need constant testing then?" But ironically, I never fell for that, "once saved, always saved".
I'm just tired of it all. Maybe I lack the endurance to run the race, to "fight the fine fight of the faith." Maybe it's because I can't feel, touch, see, the "reward." One is born and brought up being taught to believe in the tangible, physical. Another truth be told, I really don't have the desire to float around in heaven as the pension for dying on earth. I don't want to walk through walls or spy on my loved ones still living.
My faith is God is there, to be sure. My belief in why stuff happens is best explained by the T-shirt stating the vernacular, "Shit Happens". That's the best I can do right now.
Faith and belief in God, or a God, is cheapened every day of the year. If a sports team prays to God for a victory over their adversary and wins, did they have the most faith? Then why doesn't a prayer to God to stop the raping and killing of women and children ever get answered?
I'm just an ignorant man of faith that keeps wondering why I believe. Maybe I just want to believe.
So my buddy Roger is gone. I'm glad he's in no pain and I hope his family deals successfully with their pain.
